(no subject)

[drewbear]

Well, I'm working this afternoon because Sara has to take care of some surprise complications to the wedding this Saturday. I really don't want to; I wanted to have my birthday all to myself, but as soon as I found out that the wedding was 4 days after my birthday, I knew that that was unlikely.

::sigh::

Frankly, all I've really ever wanted for my birthday was a surprise party or something like it; something that could finally prove to me that I've got a lot of friends who love me and want to help me celebrate. I'm tired of having "small, intimate" birthdays because my family are the only people who could be bothered to show up. It's not even so much about the party, it's about the symbolism. I've never really had very many friends because of my depression and social awkwardness and the resultant crushing, desperate loneliness. I just want a sign that I've made it past that part of my life, y'know?

And yes, I know that I have a lot of friends here on LJ, and I know that you all care about me to one degree or another, but it doesn't really help with the symbolic side of it.

...Shitshitshit. I just made myself start crying. Dammit! I shouldn't feel bad about my birthday! shitdfamnfusckcraphell!!!

EDIT: I'm sorry, guys. I'm not trolling for sympathy, honestly. I just get like this a little every year and I'm used to it, but this year the wedding is making it somewhat worse. I appreciate your thoughts.

Comments

[drewbeartx.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[drewbeartx.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks. I'm better now; I was just having an unexpected depresso-hit.

[sfopanda.livejournal.com]

Panda sends a birthday hug.

[drewbeartx.livejournal.com]

And I like the PandaHug. It's soft. :-P

[bgaam.livejournal.com]

[maggie icon means hugs] but *my* thoughts are such: birthdays and holidays mean very little if anything to me at all... have for many many years. I know it's different for me because as a professional musician it has to be that way. If I were to get melancholy over not being able to attend things or have a birthday party because I usually always had to work (worked 27 out of the last 30 new years eves for example) and I am always shuttling around on christmas doing a one-hour guitar-accompaniment caroling sessions so I have learned just to accept those things as just any other day.

I hope you have a good birthday however it turns out - the most important thing IMO, is that you made it here on this earth another year.

[drewbeartx.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks. :-)

I'm not really much for any of the holidays except Thanksgiving, Independence Day and Christmas and it's for a reason similar to yours. My tutoring jobs are usually on the weekend and it doesn't matter what day or holiday it is; I've gotta teach these kids. And therefore, the only holidays that I can guarantee I won't be working are the above 3, since no-one wants to do anything learning-related then.